Stakeout
by Yum
Summary: What do you get when you put Ray, a wolf, and a displaced Mountie together in a car?


"See anything yet?"

"Ray, I'm a human being, not a set of binoculars."

"Well, you're a Mountie!"

"I fail to see the association with my occupation to my ability to see better than you."

"But you can."

"That is true."

"So, what do you see?"

"Two men in a green 1971 Riviera. One is a Chicago detective, the other is a Mountie who came to Chicago in pursuit of his father's killers, and…oh, never mind about that…it isn't important. One deaf wolf in the backseat, currently chewing on the plastic wrapping around a ham with mustard and Swiss cheese on rye sandwich from a paper bag…"

"Dief! Give me that! That's my dinner! Don't growl like that, you-"

"Diefenbaker."

"I swear he's laughing at us."

"I would not be surprised, Ray."

"And my question was not what you see in here, but out there!"

"Oh. Sorry. I don't see anything there but two men by the stairwell."

"What? That could be them!"

"No, it isn't."

"No?"

"No."

"Great, three hours and I got squat!"

"Well, Ray. Sometimes it can take a very long time before any results can come. I remember when I was in Moosejaw, waiting for some fishermen who had exceeded their limit. There was a-"

"Argh."

"Are you in pain, Ray?"

"Keep up with that story and I will be."

"It wasn't an Inuit story, Ray."

"It doesn't matter, Benny 'cause sooner or later it would remind you of some Eskimo-"

"Inuit, Ray."

"-Inuit story and then you'll go on and on like that pink Energizer bunny and-"

"Really, Ray, I don't see how you can compare me with a fictitious commercial mascot on television."

"Wait a minute…you actually know what I'm talking about?"

"Of course, Ray. Diefenbaker, let go of his sandwich."

"I thought you don't watch television. Hell, you don't even have a…will you stop sniffing my bag you stupid wolf? That's my dinner! Where was I? Oh yeah. You don't even have a television set at home, Fraser!"

"I borrowed it from Mr. Mustafi for that one time when...And…Well…by the time I returned home, I had discovered it needed dire repair so I sent it to the shop. When I got it back, Mr. Mustafi had left to visit his family so I had it in my apartment for a few days. I personally didn't watch anything on it although Diefenbaker was utterly fascinated with that pink monstrosity that popped up in those commercials, trying to fool consumers that a battery can actually-"

"Never mind! And, and, and…give me my sandwich back, Dief!"

"Diefenbaker. Don't snarl at Ray. I don't care if you're still hungry. I've fed you before we left to accompany Ray in his stake in-"

"Stake out."

"Stake out. I stand corrected. No, I will not give you half of his sandwich, Dief...don't use that kind of language with me! If you're hungry…go hunt a squirrel or something."

"Oh yeah, Benny. That'll teach him a lesson."

"Hopeless. I should have left him back in the wild. He's gone soft."

"We could always ship him back UPS tomorrow."

"That is a very good idea…ah ha! Oh, now you're sorry, Dief? Hunger is small compared to being shipped back, hmm…Now…don't whine like that. I…we were only kidding, my friend."

"I wasn't."

"Ray, sh! No, no. Ray was kidding, but you couldn't blame him for being angry now, would you? How would you feel if another wolf stole your caribou carcass in the dead of winter?"

"Ugh, the wolf could have my carcass. Give me a Big Mac any day."

"Ray!"

"What?"

"Diefenbaker is sorry, Ray."

"Yeah, yeah. Okay, okay! Stop licking me! Here! Have my cookie!"

"That was very generous of you, Ray."

"It was either that or have that wolf lick all of my aftershave off! Gross, now I got doggie drool on my face. Not attractive at all."

"Actually, Ray. In some tribes, the saliva of-"

"Fraser."

"I should stop talking, Ray?"

"Bingo…Man, when are they going to show up? Joe said they were showing up at night. It's almost ten!"

"Well, technically, Ray, night doesn't end until it is midnight. Then the next hours would be regard as-"

"Never…mind…Fraser."

"Are you annoyed, Ray?"

"Oh no! Heavens forbid if I get annoyed with a Mountie. They'll hunt me down to the ends of the Earth!"

"Ray, that's silly. You're switching metaphors again. It's if you shoot a Mountie then they would hunt you down to the ends of the Earth."

"Well that might happen pretty soon if Ricky Carl and Davidson don't show."

"Really, Ray."

"What? What? What did I say?"

"I think shooting me once was quite enough, thank you."

"Are you still miffed about that?"

"I am not miffed."

"Yes you are! You're doing that…thing again."

"Thing, Ray?"

"That thing! Where you look at me like you're not really looking! Argh! Dief, I gave you a goddamn cookie! Back off the rest of my meal! You know in some places in China, bad little wolves like you are dinner to them!"

"Ray!"

"I was kidding. Kidding!"

"Perhaps you could…brief me on your case?"

"You're trying to distract me, aren't you?"

"No. No, of course not, Ray. Dief!"

"Don't you feed that wolf of yours enough?"

"Apparently not, Ray."

"What was your question again? Oh yeah. The case. Eh, word on the street is that Ricky Carl's going to come down on Davidson tonight. Davidson always hangs around on this corner letting customers in his bar, his turf and all that. So I figured it might be a good spot for Ricky Carl to strike. Where else is he going to find Davidson so easily?"

"Very good theory, Ray."

"Why thank you, Fraser."

"So Davidson frequents here quite often?"

"What? Frequents? Yeah. Frequents a lot."

"Really, Ray. Frequents a lot? That doesn't-"

"Look, Fraser. Are you my English teacher or what?"

"I'm just saying-"

"Never mind…Where's Dief?"

"I don't know, Ray. I…oh dear."

"What? Oh my God, what is your wolf doing outside?"

"Well, Ray. He is an Arctic wolf and never really meant to be indoors-"

"He's going to blow our cover!"

"He is only a wolf, Ray. He's not going to go up to your suspect and say hello, are you aware that a Chicago detective and a Canadian Mountie are staking in-"

"Staking out, Fraser."

"Sorry, staking out your bar whilst I speak to you?"

"Whilst? Fraser, anyone would freak when they see a wolf roaming around ten at night, with a full moon in Chicago!"

"Point taken. Excuse me, Ray."

"What? Now where are you going…don't get out of the…he got out of the car. Great. Stakeouts were so…boring before. Why did I ever complain before? Just get the wolf, Benny and walk straight back. Don't…what is he doing? Don't pick that up! Aw! He's tasting things again! Oh gross, argh…I can't believe he's…. Now what? Aw! He's…he's sniffing? I thought Dief was the wolf! Hello? See me waving? No! Don't wave back! Get back in here!"

"Really, Ray. You mustn't get so worked up about everything. Dief was hungry so he was hunting for food."

"In front of a bar? Only thing he'll find there is empty beer cans and hangovers."

"That may be true, but we should encourage him to maintain his natural instincts for hunting and-"

"Fraser. What is Dief going to hunt? Squirrels? Pigeons? Do you see the garbage they eat off these streets? You sure you want Dief snacking on them?"

"Hmm. Oh my, I hadn't considered that."

"And what were **you** picking up off those streets before? What did I say about tasting things?"

"Well I was curious about your suspect and noticed the pile of used cigarettes by the bar's entrance. I assumed that since you mentioned Davidson was the owner of the bar and often stands by the door to greet his customers, that they belonged to him."

"Oh? And what did you figure by that, old great Canadian Mountie friend of mine?"

"Well, Ray. Judging by the expensive quality of the tobacco, I would assume Davidson is a man of high taste, probably prefers label clothing like you do. The way the stubs were crushed in the sidewalk, I would figure him to be six feet two inches, give or take a millimeter and he's left handed given the strength of the left foot dominance as he crushed the cigarette. By the discoloring of the cigarette remains, I would say your man Davidson has very bad breath and judging the loose strands of hair I had found on the sidewalk, he is in his mid forties, brunette and losing his hair."

"Wow…all that from licking a cigarette?"

"Well, there were the loose strands of hair I had found on the sidewalk-"

"You sure I hadn't told you about Davidson before?"

"Quite positive, Ray."

"Wow."

"I take it that I am correct?"

"Right on the nose, Benny!"

"Well, I don't know about the nose. There wasn't enough to determine the facial features-"

"Sigh…never mind…I don't think he's going to show anyway. I- Dief! Stop that! Fraser! He's…get away from that! He…now listen-"

"Diefenbaker!"

"Argh! That was a roast beef- I gave you a cookie already! You stupid-"

"Ray!"

"Let go of my dinner! I'm going to personally send you back up to-"

"Ray!"

"What? What? I was just kidding!"

"Your suspect!"

"What?"

"He's being approached by that man!"

"Shit! That's him. He's…huh? He's taking off?"

"Did he know?"

"Of course he knew! There's a Mountie in a bright red uniform, an Italian and a white wolf pressing their faces up against the windshield of a 1972 Riviera! He probably though we were a bunch of whacks! Hang on!"

"Ray! You didn't signal!"

"Shut up! We have to catch the guy. Can't you get your wolf to shut up?"

"He's upset because you just went past a red light. Ray! Watch out for that- Never mind. He's terribly sorry, ma'am! We'll return to fix that door for you- Ray, I don't think she heard me."

"Will you get your head back in the window, Benny? I'm trying to-"

"Watch out for that dog!"

"Oh, shit!"

"…Well…that was most fortunate. Luckily that hydrant was strong enough to stop the car."

"Argh! My Riv!"

"The dog is okay, Ray."

"I don't care about the dog!"

"No, sir! No. My friend is just upset. He didn't mean anything about what he said about your dog."

"Will you stop apologizing for me?"

"Sorry, Ray."

"Forget about it. Sigh…Guess we better go back and talk to Davidson then. Man, I'm hungry. Grab me my sandwich, Fraser?"

"Of course, Ray. I…oh dear…"

"What? Dief!"


End file.
